Saturday, April 21, 2012

Wanting to Give Up, Choosing to Remain Where I Am

Most days I'm doing well. Very well in fact.

Then there are moments where I would give practically everything to see Michael, Right. This. Minute! 

I get overwhelmed from something as simple as a text message like the one he sent last week, "I got a 100 on my test!"  

I was so excited for him because he had studied hard and earned the grade he received.  And in that moment I wanted to celebrate with him. I wanted to hug him and be held by him. I longed to eat a meal with him. To sit quietly and enjoy his presence. 

That's when the tears slide down my face and the ache in my heart deepens a little more as I ponder the 1,000 miles between us.

I remember the very first time we were separated.  I was 18 and living an hour's drive away from Michael. I could barely eat on the days I didn't see him. I had trouble concentrating in school. I hated being apart from him.  Eventually I gave up and quit school to be with him. 

That was 25 years ago and I don't I like the separation any more now than I did then.  I admit, I have faced the same challenge of wanting to give up. But I'm learning to let the emotions wash over me and flow to the feet of Jesus who understands.  And as I fight through the tears and heartache I realize how much Christ longs for me. For each of us.

The very thought moves me. It challenges me.

Oh how I take so much for granted. It's changing me.  Forcing me to pay more attention to each moment. 

And while my heart would love to wish away every day between now and the two months until I'll see Michael, there is a greater part of me that longs to be fully present in each day. To seek treasures I would otherwise miss.  So I resolve to let each day pass as it may.  I may smile in an evening remembering the day or I may cry myself to sleep.  
I'll take where I am so long as I am focused on not missing what God has for me in the midst of these days. And that's what makes this time different from the last.  A quiet knowing that His strength works in my weakness. And when I want to give up and say this is just too hard, I lean on Jesus all the  more for I know Michael is where he is supposed to be.  And I am where I am needed.

And I am thankful.

May you cling to your own treasures each and every day.  Whether your loved ones are beside you, away from you, or gone from you for good, I understand.  

And so does Jesus.

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