Friday, October 19, 2012

Bitter . . . Sweet

The word bittersweet has bounced around in my mind all this week.  It seems to sum up best the emotions I'm feeling today.  In a way, it sums up much of what has transpired in my life in the past three years.

Two months ago my husband, Michael was in his second motorcycle accident within a one month period while living 1,000 miles from me (bitter) attending his dream school of becoming a Harley Davidson motorcycle mechanic (sweet).  He's been home recovering (sweet) and now it's time for him to return to school (bitter).

And so the ping-ponging of emotions go as they run their course within me.

I have held on the past two months delighting in having Michael present once again in our home.  I have watched him gain strength and regain his mental cohesiveness following the accident that left him with several broken ribs, a broken and surgically repaired ankle, and a head injury. Though not fully recovered he is in a good place to return to school and complete the dream.

I'm not ready though.

I know it's good for him to return.  I know he has graciously and miraculously been given a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to follow his heart. I get that without the separation we cannot move to the next thing God has planned for him and us.  While my head agrees, my heart is not yet willing to let go.

So I find myself staring ahead at our last day together, with a mix of sadness for his leaving yet again and joy for the miracle of recovery enabling him to go. And I take comfort in these words.
“In the same way I was with Moses, I’ll be with you. I won’t give up on you; I won’t leave you. Strength! Courage! . . . Don’t be timid; don’t get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take.” Joshua 1:7-9 (MSG)
These words provide what my emotions need when they can't quite line up with my head.  It doesn't mean I won't break down in moments when I'm lonely or wish life to be just a little easier. Nor will I likely be able to pass the next year without worrying about Michael. Yet I cling to the truth that God is with us both, every step we take.  And I find my soul once again stirring with strength and courage.

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